Looking for myself.

They told me something that first came as a surprise to me. It was so clear to them, and yet I was truly never really conscious about it: that I've never been secure in the relationship; the way I fuss over him, and am such a different person when he is around. I think, truly think, it was all for love, and not to "keep" him. Yes, I am generally an insecure person. And I do live for him. And I also live because I want to love him. He has been my kindred spirit, my "rock" and I've never been more comfortable and "myself" (perhaps, you would disagree) then when I was with him, at least, when there was just the 2 of us.

They think too, that I've been his to lean on. We had needed each other, in our own ways.

SF believes things happen for a reason. Perhaps my lesson in life is to learn to love myself more and to derive the will to live from inside of me. "I meant that's your lesson at this stage in life. the thing is, your past merely prepares you for your future." Right now, life just seems so devoid of meaning. I walk around with a gaping hole inside of me, and a whole lot of hurt to work at healing, bit by bit.

Have I been living a dream all these 6 years? Yet my heart tells me that the love, the happiness, and the bliss, within me, was deep and true.

It hurts so bad to have him gone from my life, though we are to remain friends. The sharp pangs twist and turn their way inside of me, when I know he now spends time with his other friends, and continues to date her - he is gone from my life.

Not "the one".

21 July - On again.

24 July - Off again.

Re-writing this entry again. Last night's attempted entry started off pretty bad. I needed to write to seek a resolution and closure for myself - not to destroy him. In writing about what had actually happened, I didn't want anyone to be posting comments blasting him either, though frankly, there would be enough cause to. Writing is about coming to terms with what has happened, and keeping everything in perspective.

It's been hard trying to reconcile the face of who I know in my heart as a wonderful, wonderful person and that of a cad who has hurt me so very deeply with his cheating and lies - because then I ask myself: Have I been loving the wrong person? Has my love been real? Present tense - for someone I still love, warts and all.

Had a mild panic attack as I tried to go to sleep last night. The force washed over me, unrelenting, smothering me with the meaninglessness of life, and I had to gasp for breath, crying in the dark. Have never felt more alone.

Woke up even earlier today. It's like being tortured with more waking hours than I can cope with, struggling through longer days.

- - - - - - - - - -

I had given it my last shot. Even as I made the 20 July entry, my heart screamed its protest: Was I ready to see true love exit from my life? Was my 20 July entry a mistake? So we got back on 21 July, and broke up on 24 July. Because it was those 2 days in-between that he finally told me the truth and I realised it wouldn't work out - not for me, at least.

I had to know: he said I was not "the one" because he had "no basis for comparison". That he is unsure, and hence not willing to commit, is enough of an answer for me. Like I said before, you "know it", or you don't; and you choose to commit to that knowledge, or you don't. Strangely, he seemed a little taken aback when I broke it off - I asked him whether he thought I would have gotten back with him and still allowed him the space to make more "comparisons"; at best, he would finally realise or simply settle for me as "the one"; at worse, that I was not "the one", but hey, thank you for the ride.

That was the answer I really needed: I am not "the one". I can live with that, though the heartbreak and pain certainly isn't any lesser.

I was quite ready to forgive his cheating, even after I realised how he had lied and chosen to continue cheating and let it go beyond holding hands, and how he had chosen to cut me so deeply. But I cannot live with how he is coming to terms with it himself.

He wouldn't even admit that he had cheated, or lied to me. "What you don't know can't hurt you." Did he really think it was not cheating? He had drawn the line at sex. Is anything before that then OK? Perhaps, he really thought I would have forgiven him as long as he had not slept with her. Is that why he had "cheated" because he knew I would forgive him? Was that his fail-save plan?

Perhaps the other question would be: Would he have been as "understanding" if I was the one who had cheated for the very same reasons that he did? Or does he have double standards?

He had accused me of not being able to forgive him because I could never learn to trust him again. Perhaps. But it sure doesn't help when you tell someone "What you don't know can't hurt you." And it doesn't help when he can't even come to terms with the reality of his actions, and he was so unwilling to apologise for it. If he actually thought there was nothing wrong with that, what's to stop him from doing it again? He wants me to just forget. I forgive, but I never forget. Forgiving gives me the resolution to come to terms with what has happened. Forgetting doesn't.

He kept going on about my temper and the 10-day silent treatment that "started" it all. But just as nothing justifies my temper tantrums (and God knows just how much I wish I could undo everything), nothing justifies his cheating. Just as I've hurt him with all my nasty tantrums, he's hurt me (even more so - I feel) when he cheated. He said he knew this - I don't know if he meant it, after all the initial denials. Maybe he's still coming to terms with it - and perhaps, with what he is.

We all have to come to terms with our flaws and choices in life.

I suppose eventually we arrived at some kind of resolution: We would have to come to terms with what we have done. And we would remain friends, for our own reasons.

First posted on 20 July 2002 ~ "Goodbye."

0720 hours

Used to be able to sleep late, especially if went to bed late the night before. Maybe it's the fever. Maybe it's the need to "wake up" and see things for what they are.

(Thursday night, 18 July) We met for dinner at Holland V. It was very friendly - though as we walked the streets, he would hover uncertainly around me, not knowing what to do, while I walked a distance from him most of the time.

In the park where couples around us were making out behind fogged windows, we talked it out - me mostly. He said it was my temper; the last time, it was about having children. He said my tantrums made him feel that I didn't love him. (Or was he just trying to justify why he doesn't love me by pinning it on me first?) I told him that I had never been angry with him those few weeks that we were both thinking it through. Not even when he first told me that he had gone out with "dragon girl". I asked him why he thought I would be angry, and not sad, which I was. (Was it easier for him to think I was angry so it justifies his walking? Did he think it would not have hurt me? Why is he so fixated with "angry me"? Am I not a person too?)

I told him what I had been thinking about the past week. I asked for the truth, that he had either never loved me or had stopped loving me. No more "becauses" about children and bad tempers. I told him why I choose to be with him, not because he is the best, in which case, he is not, but because I love him. Silence.

I asked him for the courage to just tell me he does not love me - but I know, this is the kind of courage that can daunt anyone. He told me how his mum and sister thought he was better off without me, and how Eve and Adrian were rooting for me. I see now that he told me all these, but not what he himself felt. He let the others around him cast the vote for him.

He didn't think he would start seeing "dragon girl" - she failed the "Clerks" VCD test; she didn't like it though she was ready enough to laugh at his jokes. He said I was still on his mind even when he was with her. And his friend didn't like her. (He let his friend cast the vote against "dragon girl" too.) I've wondered how he could bear not seeing her while thinking about us the past week - perhaps not because he had given me his word, but because he found that he didn't like her that much anyway, or that she was not his "connecting flight".

I brought him back to my place later that night, I wanted him to take away his stuff, our stuff, stuff that would remind me of what I have lost. I couldn't bear seeing them nor did I want to keep what has never belonged to me. He wouldn't take them away; he said he didn't want to break up and then he said that he loved me even though I am not the "best", even though "dragon girl" looked better on paper because she was more well-to-do and more career-conscious. (Ah, but she didn't like Clerks, did she?) The very same words which I said to him in the park. Was he just plagiarising me because it was easier that way or were those his heartfelt words that he needed someone to articulate for him?

I am of course happy to have him "back". I still love him and I want to believe that he was just "lost".

But I was still not sure that he had meant what he said, or that it was just an easy way out.

The next morning, we had breakfast and he gave me a ride to work. He behaved as if nothing had ever happened. He was reluctant to talk about "dragon girl" too or what had happened between us. Was he trying to forget, or did he think it was such a trivial issue that it didn't matter - not even that he had hurt me?

I am back to crying again because I am so afraid they will be right and he will break my heart again when something else comes along, not only looking even better on paper, who also likes "Clerks", and pleases his crazy mother, high-flyer sister and friends.

I can survive this one time. But I dont think I will live through the next, if there should be a second time.

I have smugly thought marriage was just a piece of paper and the heart was what mattered when a couple was committed to each other. Am I wrong or have I been too presumptuous? Is that why Aiden had to tie Carrie down with marriage? (Season 4, Episode 15, "Change of a Dress") But I can never do something out of mistrust. Where is the love in that? Would I not sully my love for him this way? Yet, perhaps, my arrogance has caused this mess now and allowed him to drag this on longer than would otherwise have been possible, by not having to "force" ourselves to relook our relationship within the marriage equation.

Why does everyone tell me I am the one who is putting more effort in the relationship? Why can everyone see that I love him more and am the one who's always fussing over him? Why have I been so fucking blind?

I know now that this calmness in me, is not because I have come to terms, not because I don't care that he doesn't love me, not because I think I can as easily look for and catch a "connecting flight". I have been in denial.

I started this:
I courted him for an entire year (though he would never admit that I had to run after him for a whole year because he didn't like me that much anyway). I am always trying to make him happy and comfortable. (Though he has also made me very, very happy.)

I continued this:
I couldn't or wouldn't see that he has either never loved me or has stopped loving me. (Though I thought he was happy with me too.) I had to go look for the answers to this situation, and pass him the "model answers".

I need to end this:
He seems to have retreated into silence to think about this further. He hasn't told me yet, but I think I should see he has told me with words unsaid. I should end this with my own hand. We don't need the both of us denying this. One of us has to have the courage to do this, and since I was the one who chased him from the start, loved him more, and kept the relationship going, I might as well be the one to end it too.

I've never stopped loving you, baby.


Source: http://azlyrics.com/lyrics/aliciakeys/goodbye.html

"Goodbye" (Alicia Keys)

Mhmn bye bye

How do you love someone
That hurts you oh so bad
With intentions good
Was all he ever had

But how do I let go when I've
Loved him for so long and I've
Given him all that I could
Maybe love is a hopeless crime
Giving up what seems your lifetime
What went wrong with something once so good

How do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye

I know now I was naïve
Never knew where this would lead
And I'm not trying to take away
From the good man that he is

But how do I let go when I've
Loved him for so long and I've
Given him all that I could
Was it something wrong that we did
Because others infiltrated
What went wrong with something once so good

How do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye

Is this the end are you sure
How should you know when you've never been here before
It's so hard to just let go
When this is the one and only love I've ever known

So how do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye.

First posted on 17 July 2002 ~ Keeping the perspective.

He had talked to me about Chasing Amy to explain how he felt about how one could know there isn't someone "better out there" unless one went and looked.

Except the movie isn't just about knowing whether there could be someone else out there; "to not limit the likelihood of finding that one person who would complement me so completely."

It is about finding true love. Whether I am better, or rather, am not, is not the issue. Neither is whether there is someone else out there. He still seeks, because I am not "the one". If I am not, asking me to consider a non-exclusive relationship when he already knows, is just cruel; if I am not "the one", he should just say so and let me go. Let me not suffer the indignity.

I have thought of "widening my horizons" too. But I never did venture forth, because my heart tells me that though he is not the best, and there are surely other "better" men, he is what my heart wants. And I could not bear to hurt "We" by testing the robustness of my belief. And I know, somehow, that he would not have taken me back if I did take that first step, as he has now done.

Incoming SMS from XXXXXXXX. He is just a number now, since I've deleted him from my mobile listing.

"The only thing that matters is how you feel about me."

Not the temper. Not the children. Not even about movies and interests.

"And in the end, what she taught me was simple...In love, you have to put the individual ahead of their actions...always."

Have you ever loved *ME*?

First posted on 16 July 2002 ~ Sooner or later.

1231 hours

"hmm want to chat and see how things could be resolved...."

Interesting choice of word: "resolved". How do you "resolve" something that can only end in one person's favour? Oh well, Thursday dinner it is then.

Back to the packing. Damn, hellavu mountain of stuff left over at my place.

Daybreak

And then your dignity is taken away.

I feel like I have been living in an illusion and a lie. All those times we laughed with each other, was I laughing at a dream?

"The time you spent together is a lie, for him, not you. You loved and was with someone you love. If he didn't feel the same way, he took something he didn't deserve."

I want to tell myself that these are all just his attempts to justify his change of heart - it is not easy for anyone involved. But all these are like multiple daggers being deliberately dragged across my entire being, and then back, and then all over again, and hurting me more than that one single stab to my heart. I feel like shit.

Why am I being made to feel bad when I did nothing but love with all my heart and yes, my soul too?

Watching the axe fall.

First posted on 15 July 2002 ~ Letting go.

Calmly telling R over lunch that though he may have opted not to break it off - yet - so that he can "think about it", I have begun to think of him as an ex-boyfriend. I still love him, but perhaps, deep as I love, when it is unrequited, the flame of my love dies as quickly.

Or perhaps I am still in denial and to quote SF: "The axe has not fallen yet."

I made some small talk with him just, on ICQ. Friendly but cool - no pangs, no tears, no anger, no desire.He was friendly too - and why not? The one who does the walking is usually the one who has the generosity of spirit to offer to remain friends, right? And he's probably feeling guilty and just trying to keep it "nice" with his gratuitous smiley faces. *shrug* No pangs, no tears, no anger, no desire. Perhaps he is nonchalant and just playing along with the friendly act. *shrug* Why should I care when he doesn't, not anymore.

I am now deleting his name, his tune and the bear logo from my handphone. I will do his photos in my wallet next.

Let go but don't look back.

First posted on 14 July 2002 ~ Coming to terms.

Dinner at Prima Taste (Fullerton) with SF: Rarely order drinks with dinner, and then only with him, because we drink together. Pretty nice white. Sweet and easy going down. Keeping me in the same mellow mood I have been the past few days.

Perhaps the truth is what any outsider, including myself, has seen a dozen times: the person who stays in the relationship longer than he or she should, only because it takes that much courage to walk out - alone. And so he or she would wait for the "opportunity" to present itself: a situation that would justify the walking. Or he or she would wait for another person to show up, check out the new person, so that he or she can be assured of a "connecting flight".

I am madly in love with him. It grieves me to have to consider giving up what I consider a real treasure of a lifetime companion. So it is not at all pleasant to consider the above possibility. That he had simply been waiting for me go on long enough with my anti-children crusade and to lose my temper. And then, his connecting flight with "dragon girl". I had been going on lately that if I was not "the one", he should tell me now and not when I am all withered and have lost my "market value". Ah yes, of course, I had to be the one to "initiate" the process, eh?

He already has a vacancy in his heart to fill; a long overdue one, perhaps, which explains how he could have fallen in love so readily. A very, very harsh truth to recognise, that I have been in a one-sided relationship for a long time.

I am dismayed that he could possibly choose the "easy" way out of his guilt by blaming it on me. In a way, it is an expected and common human reaction, and I can understand why it would work out this way. But it doesn't make it right, does it?

I need an honest resolution from him about our relationship. I love him and I want this to end "right". He may not feel good having to face his conscience - I want him to not because I want to hurt him in return. I can be very spiteful, but I am still in love with him. I deserve the truth and I want to walk away knowing he has chosen to grant me this final honesty and compassion, if not out of whatever remnant of love he has for me, then his own sense of what is "right".

Why have I not broken into pieces yet? It's like lying on the dentist chair, mouth all wide open and vulnerable, nervously waiting for that huge LA needle to sink into my quivering gums.

First posted on 13 July ~ Why people drink to forget.

I can accept that for his love of a woman to be "complete", children matter. But I find it incongruent that he can so readily and quickly "fall in love" again. I have to accept the possibility that he has either never loved me or has stopped loving me.

I have to let him go.

I might not even have to wait 2 weeks for his answer. If he really is in love with the "dragon girl", he might not even be able to wait 2 weeks before he can see her again. And then I would know, for sure, if not already from the look of love on his face when he talked about her.

Perhaps our destiny ends here. Perhaps, somewhere down the road, our paths might converge again. Perhaps, they would never.

I can accept that he had to wait for a third party to be the catalyst and blame my flaws for his not loving me - that is how most of us would react. The guilty would find ways to justify their actions and lessen their own dismay.

He is a good and a wonderful person. I wouldn't want to hate him at the end - but I hope he would come clean when he finally tells me, and not leave me muddied so that he can walk away clean.

I have decided to embargo all future entries until he gives me his answer. I would not want my anguish or "decisions" to influence what he really wants.

Happily woozy after drinks. I should have no problems falling asleep tonight...

First posted on 12 July 2002 ~ The calm.

I am just beginning to feel the guilt, and I know eventually, it will become almost too hard to bear: have I been so bad a person, with my temper and lack of maternal instinct?

And then I keep reminding myself to see and recognise that this is not just about me.

Perhaps we are not as compatible as I thought we were. He might be what I want, but I am not what he wants. He is "the one". But I am not "the one" - whether or not another woman has come onto the scene. She is merely the catalyst - though I despise her for making full use of the "opportunity".

Perhaps he is just unsure of me, and I should not compromise being with someone who is unsure of me. Why else has he so readily opened his heart to another?

I can only do so much to make him happy, and if that is still not enough, I don't think I need try any harder, nor any longer.

"Well more like he look for reasons to justify why he's created this situation, so blame your temper and life choices."

"He's just looking for justification. Unfortunately, it's at the expense of your ego. But it happens a lot."

"You don't have to think about it. You either love or you don't. If you have to think, then at the most you just think you love. If you do love, you feel it."

Maybe he has never loved me, or has stopped loving me. And I was too blind to realise. I have also thought about my love for him, and how ready I would be to "explore", even during those 10 days of "cold war" - but I've eventually looked away from the other men I was interested in because I loved him more, and I was ready to give up the possibly better potentials out there to be with what I already know I want. If he's unsure, then I am not "the one". He either knows or he doesn't. He doesn't need to think about it that long.

I have begun to think what happens if he eventually decides to get back together.

He is taking time off to think about whether he can live with what I am. And he has decided not to go out with the other woman but he might still talk to her.

My instinct and my heart wants things to go back to what they have been.

And then I think and somewhere deep inside, an as yet unaddressed fear: what if this now becomes his ready escape each time he is unhappy with me? Or that he won't AGAIN doubt "We" or question his love for me? Nobody can assure that would never happen, sadly, not even him. Who can tell the future?

And would he continue to see her? That would be another major thing I have to consider before deciding whether I *too* can have him back in my life. If he wants to continue the "friendship", I will know only that this is a no-brainer: he is not ready and I am not "the one".

I hope that he is merely "lost", and after 2 weeks, he will find his love for me again. I shall not need to hear whether he can live with my temper or life choices. I shall only need to hear him say he is back because he does love me. If he does love me, there won't be any talk about my temper or life choices. If he does love me, I shouldn't even have to ask him not to change his mind or to stop seeing her, because if he does love me, he will do what his heart knows is right.

I may seem calm now, but I know the storm is coming. It hasn't sunk in yet.

"2 weeks" is a long time. How am I going to make it through the end of the month?

Time has never passed more slowly - when there is nothing to look forward to. It used to be that the nights would pass too soon, and yet tonight, a game of Warcraft ends too soon, and I am left staring at the clock, wondering why time passes so slow. A life left without meaning.

I reach for the pillow, where he has left his scent during his last night here. I want to change my sheets, but can't bear to part with his scent. And I remember that he has never been as enthusiastic about my scent or to snuggle up to me - he has always preferred to play with the bears. Have I been that blind? And I remember the "in the clouds" look in his eyes as he told me that she had long hair, was "OK"-looking (read: not just OK), "OK"-figure (read: not just OK), and had same sense of humour "as me". Was I too deluded to not recognise that "in love" look on his face that I now remember having seen 6 years ago?

Starting to pack his things and "our" things away. Perhaps I hope to lessen the pain and hurt when it eventually comes. Strange that I still don't hurt as much as I thought I would be by now - am I still in denial? As I packed, I hoped I would cry hard enough and "get it over with", but the tears are mere trickles...for now.

If you come back, come back because you love me - not because you can "accept" me.

First posted on 11 July 2002 ~ Aftermath.

If it's yours, it'll come back to you.
If it's not yours, it was never meant to be.

I suppose you could say our 6-year relationship (actually, almost exactly 6 years in July 2002) began its final road on 10 July at the Long Bar, Raffles Hotel.

I wonder if it's possible to literally die from a broken heart. Like the calm before a storm, it has not fully hit me yet - I can smell the storm about me and I am growing restless from the pain and agony I know is already on its inevitable path of destruction.

I've given so completely of myself, to fit in pieces of myself into the relationship, until I am no longer even "I", but part of "We". Now that it will all come back in different pieces, I can't even begin to imagine how I could hold on to the mess and how to make the pieces into "I" again. I have become so dependant on the "We". I can't imagine life without.

It hurts to be the more loving one. Perhaps he does not love me enough - for him to not compromise on what we both want eventually: he wants children and he will find someone who wants children too. It hurts for me to come to terms with this. I find it hard to understand that what I am and have done for him in the past 6 years are not "enough". Perhaps he really does not love me enough - for him to let a single date decide that he would jeopardise a 6-year relationship to try someone who he has only known at the most for 3 months, and to do so with such readiness and immediacy.

He said he has been thinking about it for some time and since speaking with a married colleague, he has wondered whether there is something "better" out there before he decides I am "the one". Unsaid: I am unsure of you.

"cos i need to think whether i can live with your temper and not wanting kids lor"

"cos maybe im just tired of being the one to approach you after arguements, anyway give me this time to think can?"

I can believe that he was truly hurt by my tantrums and dismayed at my lack of maternal instinct. But is that all the truth, or not even it?

It hurts that I have been blind in my bliss. Perhaps, he has not been as happy as I've thought he had been. How gullible the happy are, to so readily denounce the blindness in others, and yet suffer the same themselves.

If I haven't been badgering him (half in jest) to tell me in advance about his plans for "We", and not to leave me when I am, say 35, and already too old to find another man, would he have continued to drift on in, at the most, "content", and I, in my bliss and happiness? He said my words had set him thinking.

Perhaps he has outgrown this relationship, which on second thought, has been unchanged - though I am, or rather, was, happy enough.

Perhaps a clean break now is better. The thought of him seeing 2 women - but really, is it not just ONE woman, as in the OTHER woman? What is clear to me is that he now has vested interest in her feelings too. He did not want me to meet her because he didn't "want to hurt the TWO of us". While he continues to accept her invitations to go out, he is going out with someone he is growing to like more than a friend. Perhaps I should do him the favour of breaking it now so that he won't have to bear the dishonour of two-timing both of us.

If it's yours, it'll come back to you.

So what if he comes back to me? Can I look into a broken mirror? Can I otherwise accept that he had hurt me, though perhaps not maliciously intended? Can I trust that he will not decide again that he needs to prove to himself that I am indeed "the one" - AGAIN, that there is nothing "better" out there?

If it's not yours, it was never meant to be.

I almost begged him last night to stay. But why delay the inevitable? That I am not actively trying to change his mind in no way means I love or want him less - if what I am on my own is not enough, then what more is there to do or say? He has said too, calmly and I thought, coldly, that this is something he has to resolve "internally".

Maybe it's not just about my temper and having children - though he stresses that, perhaps to lessen the hurt that he is attracted to someone else, so readily, so quickly.

I would like to believe it's my fault - perhaps if I had been more even-tempered and maternal, things wouldn't be thus. But maybe it's not just me, but him, and I can't cope with knowing there's an external factor without my control.

If it's yours, it'll come back to you.
If it's not yours, it was never meant to be.

Taking time out. He needs 2 weeks to think.

Maybe I should just let go now - only to lessen the pain when he or I or both of us eventually break it off, for our own reasons.

First posted 10 July 2002 ~ Prelude.

R thought anger was not the way, that it would only push him into the other woman's arms. That I should instead now be extra nice to him to convince him that I was the better choice. Something in me revolts against the thought. If what I have been to him all along has not convinced him, I think any additional niceness would not make a difference and is only an insult and waste of time for everyone.

I certainly do not like the thoughts coursing through my head, and my constant online "finger" checks on where he is, especially during lunch and dinner hours, when the other woman could have an opportunity to be with him. I do not like being thought of as the paranoid girlfriend, which I am behaving like right now, but do I have a choice when some woman has openly declared not only her liking (which I can still live with) but also her willingness "to wait" - which in any case, is such a lamer, she might as well declare she is out to make war on me.

First posted 08 July 2002 ~ To know or not to know.

What you DON'T know can't hurt you. - I agree.

What you WOULD know has GOOD reason to hurt you. - How very true.

What a person does not say can say so much more than silence or whatever few words are uttered. Call it a gut feeling, or reading in-between the said and unsaid lines.

An otherwise innocuous reply about going out with "colleagues", is a spinning siren in a silent movie - maybe because there are many ways to utter the word, and "strained" is one of them. And then the subsequent reluctance to name the "colleagues".

The uneasy silence and awkward laugh as I whispered "unfaithful" to him during the trailer of "Unfaithful", a new movie starring Richard Gere and Diane Lane.

A too-easy readiness to say that it is fine to go out (read: date) with other people as long as there is no intention to be a couple.

I thought I was paranoid at his initial coolness after I broke the ice on the 11th day, thinking he did not seem as eager to make the emotional reconnection, although in other ways, there was no loss of enthusiasm. And so I happily drifted along.

Perhaps, I am one of those women who dismisses her paranoia during those times when she has good reason not to, because she can't bear the truth of the one time she is right.

Perhaps, I thought he was the "stronger" of the 2 of us, and I would fall first.

He went out with her not once, but thrice, during the 10 days, the first time just a few days into the "cold war". He went out with her a second and third time even though during the first time, she had made known her more than friendly intentions; and he had told her he was already attached. She had said she would "wait for him". He told me (only when I probed) that she had held his hand too. I couldn't bring myself to ask whether she tried to steal a kiss, because within minutes into a seemingly blissful Sunday afternoon tea, my eyes had already overflowed themselves by then, and we were in a cafe where people could see me wiping my eyes. That night, would someone who had happened to glance their way while she held his hand, have thought, "just another couple out on a night"?

He couldn't say why he still went out with her a second and a third time, after the first time.

He wouldn't tell me her name.

He wouldn't tell me whether she was pretty.

This morning, as I struggled through work behind my camouflage black-rimmed glasses,
He: are you still mad
I: what do you think i am mad about
He: not being told is it?

As I thought about the "why", I already knew it isn't because I was not told, nor is it because I was told. In fact, is "mad" even the word to describe how I feel now?

I know only that my silly tantrum and initiated 10-day "cold war" was spent with me moping at work, moping at home, and going out with Sharon a couple of times. Too slow, too long, too painful.

And within 10 days, he had gone on 3 dates with another woman. Too fast, too willing, too ready.

Has she called him after the 10 days?

If she asks him out again, will he go out with "just a friend"?

Questions that go unanswered.